


Still a sound

by dostres



Category: Original Work
Genre: Kind of Rival to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25809100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dostres/pseuds/dostres
Summary: He's been cleaning after Victor's messes for so long. Sid fears that will be his reality until his retirement; that wherever he goes, Victor will follow to make his life harder.
Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know a thing about rugby. I did a lot of research and I still don't understand anything so I hope you're here for the drama and not the acuraccy. Also, English isn't my first language which explains the mess of verb tenses and mistakes.  
> Thanks for reading!

Sid isn’t sure of what it is that draws him to Victor. It’s not that he’s agreeable, of course. He doesn’t even find him particularly hot, with his fucked-up nose and his shitty hair. 

Most of the time, Victor is a fucking problem. In some ways, he hasn’t changed much. He’s still an idiot who finds pleasure in being a contrarian and getting the team in trouble. Every time he makes a display of stupidity, the guys groan and pleadingly look at Sid, like he’s the only one who can rein him in. And he kind of is; Sid had been his captain during high school and continued to be once they made it professionally.

They've known each other for long enough that a single look from Sid can stop Victor in his tracks. It wasn't as effective when they were students and Victor kept doing shit at almost every game, but Sid is older now. He's tired and unwilling to put up with it, so Victor appears to contain himself as much as he can, which still isn't nearly as Sid would like. At least, he manages to look guilty after messing things up, something unheard of back in the day. When they were seventeen, Victor enjoyed doing the exact opposite of what Sid asked of him, going to great lengths to challenge him. 

He's been cleaning after Victor's messes for so long. Sid fears that will be his reality until his retirement; that wherever he goes, Victor will follow to make his life harder. 

Victor is the only remaining of his past at school. He’s just _there_ , always has been. Sid doesn’t keep track of their old classmates, doesn’t really care. He’s a firm believer that a guy should get over his teenage years; he’s got good memories, of course, but the present day is imperative and he doesn’t have any time to lose.

It seems Victor has a similar, yet different approach to his own. Sid has seen the way his face drops whenever someone brings up high school in a conversation. He’s _ashamed_. Sid finds it sad, the way Victor claims to have forgotten everything about his youth every single time. It’s one thing to be an asshole — they all were at some point — but to be an asshole and not being able to own it? Fucking pitiable.

He wouldn't expose him, though. Life isn't a soap opera. Besides, not much would change if he revealed Victor used to be a shitty bloke whose favorite hobby was to terrorize a few selected, lucky classmates. He's sure a couple of their teammates engaged in such activities when they were younger too, their attitude gives it away. Roberts would high-five him, Sid has no doubts about it. 

Victor keeps mostly to himself. He doesn't go out for drinks; in fact, isn't very close to the rest. There's an air of superiority to him that drives off the other guys. 

Sid has dealt with Victor enough to know that's just a facade, an act put on to be left alone. There's very little of the unquestionable pride he flaunted when he was a teenager. He isn't a psychologist by any means, but it's like his inferiority complex took a new, different form throughout the years. It seems like Victor has redirected all the anger he felt for others onto himself. It's kind of pathetic, the way he scarcely hides his issues, yet no one _cares_.

Watching Victor feels like seeing an accident about to happen. He has become this barely concealed mix of frustration and self-conceit, extremely demanding with himself and others, always on the brink of exploding. Their teammates resent him while the media thrives with his outbursts. Sid’s life would be better without him in the team, so he genuinely doesn’t know what it is about Victor that sparks his interest. 

In the past few years, Victor has volunteered in a few anti-bullying organizations and campaigns. That could be it. The problem is he carries himself with such arrogance he probably reminds the kids of the very same bullies they’re trying to get rid of. He isn’t very popular with the adults in charge, either, too tired to deal with a spoiled brat like him. His involvement brings money and attention, so they let him do what he wants. Which is mostly publicly displaying what a good person he is, how virtuous he has become with adulthood.

Sid isn’t being fair, though. It isn’t all for show. Aside from his usual gloating, he seems to care about those children. He’s gotten many of them to meet their favorite celebrities, that he gets weekly lectures about not being allowed to beat up the middle schoolers that torment them. He even tried to organize an activity with the rest of the team, before realizing most of the kids didn’t really like rugby, which prompted him to get into the music they listened to and play the video games they liked.

Despite his interest, Sid can't help but feel wary about him. It comes as a consequence of all the years he spent being responsible for Victor’s actions and their aftermath, when adults were willing to overlook his behavior just because he was talented, yet expected Sid to somehow control the situation. 

Victor had been enamored with social hierarchies and all that bullshit, which was the reason he gave some guys hell while he respected Sid, why he accepted being treated like shit by their coach, and poured his anger onto others he considered less than him instead. 

“It’s definitely because he would do anything as long as you were the one asking,” Johnson says. Victor knows they shouldn’t be talking about this, not in the middle of a bar, not while they’re drunk. “He’s a sucker for authority, and you’re a fucking dictator.”

Sid won’t deny he’s comfortable being in charge and Victor might be a bit influenceable — a little too eager to follow his lead — but Johnson is being hyperbolic. He won’t dispute him, though. He might be the captain, but Johnson is the one whose job is to orchestrate the team’s performance so he’s always watching, catching every single nuance in their dynamic. While Sid doesn’t know _how_ he’s managed to catch this thing — soft spot? — he has for Victor, he isn’t surprised.

“Soft spot, my ass. You want to nail him,” he says, which is completely unprofessional, but that’s how it has always been with Johnson.

“You Americans are so crude,” Victor says, hoping that kind of comment will be enough to send Johnson on a long tangent about the great United States of America and the superiority of its players. He doesn’t take the bait this time.

The thing with Johnson is that he may be older than him, by a couple of years, but he has the mind and machinations of a teenage girl. Sid’s little sister isn’t as bad as him, with her bands and her social media and whatever she does on the computer all day. 

“You _do_. You’re going to break his heart. And I’ll watch,” he says, his voice slurring by the alcohol. For some reason, he brings up his conspiratorial theory whenever he drinks too much, which thankfully isn’t that often.

“I don’t have time for this. You’re _drunk,_ ” Sid says, getting up and putting his arm around Johnson. “And Victor doesn’t have a heart.”

Normally, Sid knows better than to make any kind of comment about Victor to avoid fuelling his stupid fantasies, but Johnson is a lightweight and won’t remember anything the next morning. 


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Victor is basically 'I want you to love me' by Fiona Apple personified.  
> I strongly dislike bullies and don't feel sympathy for them, but I wanted to try and write about someone seeing the worst from another person, yet getting to love them and letting themselves be loved. I don't condone Victor's past behavior by any means.  
> Thanks for reading!

They’ve known each other since they were children, and Victor has been losing things ever since. First, his father; then, his family status and money. His mother, too, when she married a man from Spain and moved there. 

Looking back, he used to be a peculiar kid. Sid remembers him sharing all his candy with their classmates and then chasing them off with bugs. Even as an adult, he still seems to embody both qualities and faults in the same amount, getting involved with the community and kicking the shit out of the rival teams. 

As a teenager, Victor delighted himself in being a bastard, simple as that. His childhood mischief became dangerous, vicious. It made Sid feel sick. He acted as if he was unstoppable, found a certain pleasure in the violence he inflicted upon others. 

Nowadays, he keeps it inside the field, which is also unfortunate. He gets into fights quite often, likes to taunt his opponents, and reciprocates without hesitation when they get aggressive. 

Still, all it takes is a look from Sid to stop him. His effect in Victor is so noticeable that even some of the guys from the other teams have started to sneer about it. They’re not even creative, always spewing the same shit. Sid remains unfazed, doesn’t care what the Lions think about his dick and Victor’s mouth or what they imagine both of them did last night. Victor, unsurprisingly, cares a _lot_. 

He’s brutal. He never answers back, goes straight for the punches instead. 

“They’re thinking about developing a new infraction card, just for you,” Sid says, once they’re in the changing rooms. “It’s _black_ and it means you’re out of the fucking team.”

Victor keeps silent, too busy trying to stop his nosebleed. He’s gotten his nose broken so many times that Sid has lost the count. Most of them weren’t the result of accidents. 

Sid frowns. “Stop listening to them, don’t let them have control over you. They have pegged you as an easy target—” 

“Maybe don’t use that word,” Evans interrupts, earning a grimace from Sid. Victor looks like he’s about to jump him and Evans is a lot smaller than him so he tries to attract Victor’s attention before that happens. The last thing they need at this point is an internal issue when their relationship with almost every team is disastrous. 

“Hey, listen. Have we met this weekend for a romantic escapade?” Victor tries, getting closer so no one else can listen. “No. So don’t pay attention to their bullshit.” 

Victor gets as red as the shirt of their team. He keeps avoiding eye-contact with Sid, inspecting his bloodied hands instead. It’s unfair how good he looks, completely wrecked as he is. Sid commands himself to chase the thought away, wondering how dares he think about something like that in such a moment.

“No one here cares if you’re gay or not. Don’t worry,” Sid says. 

Victor finally looks up at him with something in his face Sid isn’t willing to dissect. Another weird expression he’s forcing his mind to forget. 

“It isn’t about that,” Victor says, his voice barely audible.

“Put it together, big man,” Sid says, patting his back and quickly getting up. Retreating. He can’t stand when Victor looks at him like that. 

The thing is Johnson might not be entirely in the wrong with his theory, not that Sid would ever acknowledge it. There are times — enough to stop brushing them off and getting him to be more cautious — where it _really_ feels like Victor has a thing for him. 

Sid doesn’t think he’s a vain person, he isn’t the kind of guy who’s deluded himself into believing everyone’s into him. Still, there’s something in the way Victor looks at him sometimes — longing and desperate — that scares him. 

He has noticed the way Victor’s gaze always finds its way to him. And even if he didn’t, Johnson would point it out. 

Sid doesn’t want honesty, he wants _easy_. Easier, at least. A gay player is one thing — manageable even — but two teammates sharing a weird fixation is the _furthest_ from that. 

As a matter of fact, he doesn’t actually need words of confirmation since Victor’s actions are _so_ loud. All his feelings keep showing in his face unfiltered, transparent. Everything is there to see, to read. It’s in the way his expression softens, how his voice catches, the genuineness in his smile; usually a wicked, sly thing. 

There’s no guide for captains that covers a situation like that, no one to teach him how to proceed. He’s not stupid, though. Since he’s the opposite of it, he’s been trying to avoid any kind of situation that could allow an explicit admission. 

Maybe if he ignores it hard enough, if he pretends he doesn’t realize anything, Victor’s infatuation will go away. He counts on that. 

+

Turns out it isn’t easy, keeping his distance while playing a full-contact sport. Not just inside the field — which is obvious — but outside of it too. Being a rugby player goes beyond speed and scores, handling skills, and penalties. It’s tied to a sense of loyalty and companionship.

As a captain, Sid plays a key role to ensure the team’s cohesion; providing support, guaranteeing strong, healthy communication between everyone involved. He guides the newcomers, advises the players whose performance is lacking. Bell considers him to be the only guy deserving of his sister and Baker chose him as the godfather of his child. He’s good at his job. 

It’s hard, of course. It’s hard when he has to reassure the guys while being filled by doubts himself; putting his fears aside to tell his team they’re going to pull through it. Movements and transfers are hard; getting attached, comfortable with someone, then seeing them leave. Sometimes, being away from his family feels like the hardest thing in his life; the biggest test of them all, knowing he’s losing so many things while he spends all his time bouncing from practice to training and then to matches. 

Nothing is harder than this thing with Victor, though. He wishes to fulfill his role, he wants to be the captain Victor deserves and needs, but he can’t. Not until all those weird feelings, on both parts, disappear. 

It doesn’t help that the media keeps pushing them out as buddies just because of their past, creating a camaraderie between them that’s just not there. They always ask for each other’s opinions and look for an intense connection they don’t really share. Due to their positions, he’s much more in sync with Johnson, but people don’t seem to care about it too much; at least not enough to stop harassing Sid with questions about Victor.

“It’s what sells. Rivalry or friendship, that’s it. You repress your feelings too much to be associated with the first, so BFF status for you and Hayes.” Muriel says, with that patronizing tone she puts on when she wants him to realize how stupid he is. 

“It’s annoying.” Sid knows he isn’t doing much to prove he isn’t, but still. 

“It’s good press,” she shrugs. “I’m starting to think Wilson is right and you’re obsessed with the bloke. It’s all you talk about whenever you call.”

“Don’t say it like that! I don’t talk about him, I _complain_. It’s not the same. And if I can’t complain about my stressful career with my sister, who am I supposed to turn to?” Sid groans. “Also, I told you not to exchange numbers with Johnson!”

“Erica is a social worker _and_ has a baby, yet you’re the one whining about stress. Get out of here, mate!” Muriel says. 

His sisters managing to plot against him even when one is in absence. Typical.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *writes about a character whose issues are nothing like mine* This is therapeutic, I'm healing.  
> I hope this makes sense, but I don't think it will!  
> Thanks for reading!

When he first picked rugby as an extracurricular activity, Sid didn’t know his choice would have such an impact on the course of his life and basically dictate his future. He's never been good at long-term thinking.

Peter, the team’s coach, was a pretty intense bloke and was dead set on enlisting Sid; he said something about the perfect build and height, he talked about his _potential_. Sid liked the idea of owning a body capable of eliciting all that reverence. He found tennis to be a bore and the arts were a no-go, so the decision was easy. 

Sid used to be a very impulsive kid. An avid practitioner of making before thinking, as proved by the many scars in his body product of his childhood escapades. Contrary to popular belief, Sid thrived as a middle child. His parents were too exhausted taking care of a child and dealing with an awful teenager, so he took full advantage of it.

Climbing trees, jumping from high places, swimming with his mates unsupervised; the world was his stage and he occupied it with no fear of its unlimitedness. When he was young, he never asked for permission and always went for what he wanted without any doubts. 

He remembers his mother voiced her concerns about how violent rugby was while his father tried to sweet-talk him into considering _theatre_ , yet his decision had already been made and his conviction was firm. Sid had always been stubborn. 

The first years were amazing. There was no greater thing than the adrenaline that filled him every time he stepped into the field. At first, there was no other interest to him than the speed and the thrill of it all; feeling himself getting faster, _better_. 

This changed as he got older and the pressure began to grow alongside him. His carefreeness slowly disappeared, replaced by concerns and worries, which came along with the responsibilities of being a captain. 

Somehow, playing rugby became about something else entirely. It meant status, a reputation to uphold. Being part of the team gave its members a sense of identity that differentiated them. Some of the guys took that by heart. Some — like Victor — finally found a place to belong, a place where they could be special. Necessary. 

Sid didn’t understand the need to make others feel like shit, though. Yet it was a common occurrence between his teammates, too noticeable to ignore. So much that standing up to it, he soon found out, was nearly impossible. 

He tried everything to stop their attitudes, only to be disappointed over and over. Not just by his classmates — who chose to act that way — but by the adults surrounding them as well. 

His therapist says the reason he tends to overcompensate in his role as a captain stems from finding out, at a young and impressionable age, that adults don’t control shit. Not in these exact words, obviously, but the idea is the same. He discovered they weren’t there to make young people safe, that they could be weak and selfish too. They were tired, busy parents that couldn’t deal with yet another problem — even less one he was in because of his own volition — and authority figures who were willing to overlook irregularities to preserve the team’s _spirit_. 

What’s a teenager to do when his coach tells him to keep quiet? Sid keeps going back, revisiting his past actions to see if something could have been done differently.

At that moment, he felt helpless. No answer seemed good enough to go against the unwritten, yet essential rules of rugby.

Peter kept dismissing his claims, painting the other guys’ actions as stupid banter, simple jokes. ‘You don’t want to drag the guys down just because of a few jokes, right? You’re not a killjoy,’ he used to say. ‘Just make sure it doesn’t go too far and everything will be fine.’ 

He _did_. Most of his high school years were spent on guard, attempting to de-escalate his teammates’ aggressive behavior. Victor wasn’t even one of the worst ones, yet he was ruthless. He might not have been involved with physical violence — not when Sid was around, at least — but his words hurt his receivers as poisoned darts. He spotted people’s weaknesses and insecurities with expertise and kept poking at them tirelessly. Victor never said anything to him, but his eyes posed a challenge whenever Sid intervened to stop him. 

‘I was worse when I was your age,’ his coach repeated every time, amused. 

+

They’re a good team. Nothing too extravagant nor showy; they enter the pitch and do what they have to do. If it wasn’t for Victor’s presence, their reputation would be impeccable; or at least that’s what the headlines say, bemoaning about ‘the Silvers’ tarnished honor’ and ‘the Silvers’ _enfant terrible_ ’ as if the media didn’t love covering his chaotic endeavors. 

They’ve made it to the covers more times for Victor’s scandals than for their triumphs, which is fucking bleak. What does Muriel have to say to that? What does good press accomplish in a situation like that?

It’s also a shame that Victor spends most of his time getting penalties and being on the bench for varying amounts of time because he’s an amazing player. And a necessary one, at that, at least for Sid’s position. 

Johnson is his right hand when they’re in the field, and he might be a clown outside, but he takes his job seriously when he’s inside. Since he’s so childish all the time, his change of demeanor takes Sid aback sometimes, but it’s priceless to have someone as reliable as him. 

Victor, on the other side, is the worst eightman he’s had the misfortune to play with. Not because of his skills, of course, he makes magic whenever he isn’t fighting or being penalized, which is the reason he’s still part of the team. Sid has asked — he refuses to stay silent now, he’s not a teenager anymore — and management considers letting Sid go would cause a greater loss than keeping him. 

How is Sid supposed to link Johnson with the ball if one of the key players who’s supposed to provide it isn’t there? _That_ they won’t answer. 

All these years playing together have given Sid a pretty good understanding of Victor’s approach to the game. He’s able to anticipate his tactics and his choices until he fucks everything and gets in trouble. He knows they would do such a killer duo if Victor wasn’t as unpredictable as he is and Sid _hates_ it; not only because of the wasted potential but because he wishes he wouldn’t have to be so dependent on him. 

All these years and it seems he hasn’t suffered enough. It’s just his luck, ending in the same team and in extremely close, tied positions. 

More often than not, they end up losing matches because of Victor's inconsistency. Some referees hold so much animosity for him that they have crossed out the whole team, seeing irregularities where there aren't any and penalizing them when they don’t deserve it. 

Sid isn't just letting his old reservations cloud his opinion when he says Victor is a liability to the team, his posture isn't unfounded.

Would making him feel included, supported change his performance in the games? How could he attain that without getting himself in an awkward position? What could he do to stop Victor while preserving himself and keeping each other's weird feelings under control?

"No, mate. I won't do what you want me to do." Sid says.

"As much as I love buff guys getting some action, remember I'm here to serve as the voice of your consciousness,” Johnson says. "I am but a mere bearer of your deepest desires." 

Even though it pains him to admit, Johnson might be onto something that Sid hadn't considered before.


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My characters aren't reasonable characters ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Thanks for reading!

“That’s a terrible idea,” Erica says. 

“No, it isn’t,” Sid frowns, then looks at the baby in his sister’s arms. Even little Sammy looks judgy. 

What started as a stupid statement by an inebriated Johnson hatched into a masterful plan, he won’t take any criticism because it truly is. Sid has finally found a way to solve the problems that have been plaguing him for quite a while if he’s being honest. 

His usual tactic of ignoring and avoiding situations that pose an inconvenience for him affects the way he experiences his own life sometimes. He might not always notice it, but he’s so used to hiding his feelings, putting a veil on them, that he forgets for how long he has been, well, _feeling_ them. 

He engages with his feelings by basically not engaging at all. The best way to get over them is to uproot them, stop them right before they even get messier. Which is— is good enough for him, despite what his therapist says. 

“That’s a _terrible_ idea,” Erica repeats, the pixels forming her face through the screen perfectly show her unimpressed face.

He’s got the perfect plan. Sid has been around and played the field, so he knows the perfect place to find some prospects. Getting a guy willing to get on with Victor won't be difficult at all. 

Victor might not possess a traditional beauty, but he has a certain appeal that’s highly increased if you don’t know he used to be a terrible person. At times, Sid lets himself forget about it and allows his eyes to inspect him without any bias. The way his auburn hair curls in all directions, an unruly mess; his dark, expressive eyes. His body.

All that is in the past, though, because with this new development he’ll never have to entertain pointless fantasies again.

Sid isn’t one to presume, but he really is an amazing matchmaker. He introduced Johnson to his girlfriend, and even though they didn’t last much, it was a success at the time; he’s never seen two people so alike get together before. 

“I introduced you to Jonah,” Sid says, with pride. Erica’s marriage is the best example of his skills’ effectiveness. 

“That’s not the point! Listen, he’s got a thing for you, right? Why would he want to be with someone else? And why would he want _you_ to be the one introducing him?” Erica argues. “Also, have you forgotten you _kind_ of have a thing for him, too? What if your plan success and you don’t like the result?”

“This isn’t what I was expecting when I called you,” Sid says. 

“Then you should have called someone else,” Erica answers. They both know he can’t. Sid hasn't told anyone else about this whole ordeal; he refuses to tell Johnson and confirm his conjectures. Muriel would laugh at him for years. “I’m not telling you to date him, just speak with him so you finally stop the embarrassing stare-off you do at every game.”

“I don’t do that,” Sid says. Because he _really_ doesn’t. And if he does, it's a purely professional thing. 

“Don’t you think this scheme is just another way to avoid acting like a proper adult and talk to him about how you feel?” Erica says. 

“Not at all. Nope!”

“You’re being a kid, Siddy.” 

It sucks that the only person he can talk about this stuff is also the most reasonable, emotionally intelligent person he knows. Erica is basically everything he’s not and asks for things he's not willing to compromise over. 

“You need to get over it, I get it, but wouldn’t it be better if you did it in a healthy, normal way?” Erica sighs, looking concerned. He hates making her feel like that. “You need to stop looking after everyone and start caring about yourself.”

Sid doesn't remember the exact moment when she stopped being an absolute gremlin and started acting as a substitute mother to her siblings. For him, it was probably around the time he came out to her. Erica was the first person he told about his sexual orientation, and she has been supporting him since. By supporting him, Sid means mostly making him realize how irrational he can be; one insightful question at a time. 

It’s not that Sid doesn’t know the way he neglects his emotions isn’t the best thing, but it’s easier. It keeps things simple, and that’s what he needs. So he asks about her job and pretends he doesn’t see his sister rolling her eyes. 

“One last question. Would it be that bad, if you told him?” Erica asks. 

“Yes. He sucks. And, no, I won't elaborate,” he says. Since she's older, she didn't know Victor much back then; and the sibling rivalry was still strong when Sid was a teen, so they didn't talk a lot except to exchange insults and screams. He used to take it out on her a lot. 

Sid wonders if the reason she's so willing to listen and give advice to him it's because he never had anyone to fill that role while he was younger, no one to lean into; and all the things straight people say to guilt-trip themselves when someone comes out to them.

+

Sid decides to go through with the plan, of course. After Friday’s practice, he takes a deep breath and goes to Victor’s stall. 

“Hey. We’re going out for drinks, do you want to come?” Sid asks while attempting to keep his voice under control, hoping his nerves aren’t as noticeable as he feels they are. 

“Are you talking to me?” His hair is still damp and he’s trying to tame it, which is proving to not be effective by any means. He stops and looks a little appalled. That should have been early proof that Sid’s plan wasn’t as good as he initially thought, but he didn’t notice it at the time. 

Later, while he’s dejectedly laying in his bed, he’s going to admit that going from not talking with Victor unless there isn't a choice to unpromptedly inviting him to a guys’ night out wasn’t a wise decision. 

“Yeah, you made a really good job out there,” Sid says. Because it's true. He doesn’t want to pressure him, so he adds, “We’re leaving at nine, you can follow us in your car.” 

Victor doesn’t say anything, but when Sid is leaving, he’s already in his vehicle, waiting for Sid to lead the way. 

As soon as they arrive it becomes evident that Erica was right and Sid didn't think things through. Victor seems so uncomfortable, so out of place with the rest of the guys; and they, in turn, completely ignore him. Except for Johnson, of course, who keeps wiggling his eyebrows at Sid when he thinks no one is watching.

He had planned to spend a while with the team, to avoid being alone with Victor right away and then, once he felt more confident — a few drinks in — invite him to another place with less 'bros before hoes' energy, but seeing Victor visibly folding in on himself is terrible. How did a guy who once conquered every crowd he was in became so bad socially?

“We can go somewhere else if you want,” Sid says when Johnson gets up to buy more drinks. 

Victor nods silently. Sid stands and leaves some bills on the table, trying to ignore the looks in the other’s faces.

Once they're far enough, Victor turns to look at Sid expectantly. “Your place or mine?” 

“ _Oh._ No, no. I was— I was thinking about going to a bar. A gay bar, you know?” Sid says. “I could introduce you to someone. I'm an excellent wingman and I know some cool blokes, so—” 

He realizes what an idiot he is as soon as the words leave his mouth, but the way Victor’s face morphs is a good clue, too. He just stands there, looking at him. 

“No,” he answers after a while. “Thank you.” 

“That wasn't my intention,” Sid says. He’s such a fucking idiot. “I’m sorry you thought—”

“You're a coward, that's what I think,” Victor interrupts him, but there’s no real heat to it. He sounds resigned like he’s exhausted all of the sudden.

"This is for the best,” Sid hates the hesitation in his voice, how weak it sounds. 

“Fuck off, Sidney,” Victor has that wicked smirk plastered on, the one he usually directs to rival teams, but his eyes aren't challenging at all. Sid pretends he doesn't see the flash of hurt in them when he says, “Why is it—”

He cuts himself off. Like he had forgotten the reason Sid keeps him at a distance and just remembered their past together. Victor then lets out a laugh, an ugly, humorless sound before he turns on his heel and leaves. 

This is for the best. Sid counts on it. He only needs to ignore the knot in his stomach.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story could be renamed as "Sid sucks at introspection, so another character needs to lend him a helping hand". Also, trying not to judge Victor for his past actions it’s extremely difficult for me!  
> Out of all the ridiculous stuff I've wrote, I think asking you to believe they're Australian is the MOST lmao  
> Thanks for reading!

Sid needs to start listening to other people. His life is a myriad of ignored advice and subsequent terrible decisions, and he’s _done_. He should have listened to his parents when he had the chance and chose fucking theatre; he should have stayed in his hometown and grow up to be the loser who sings at the local bar, even though he’s bad and everybody hates him, instead of being the fucking loser who’s fucking up his team’s season. 

He’s tired of this situation with Victor, doesn’t know how to proceed, but he desperately needs to do something because his plan ruined everything. Victor is avoiding him and management keeps giving him shit because the disconnect between both of them is so evident, even worse than before. And it’s his fault. 

Sid should have known better, he should have known it would be impossible to reason with someone like Victor. The whole team relies on him, hoping he’ll fix it so they can go back to the usual. Not _normal_ , there’s nothing normal in this fucking thing he unwillingly shares with Victor. Not the way he keeps looking at him and averting his eyes when Sid catches him, not how he disappears as soon as they’re out of the field.

They’re playing an extremely important game when Victor has the guts to demand him not to touch him. Sid sees _red_. 

“Mate, we’re playing fucking rugby. What do you want me to do?” Sid argues, and then adds, with a derisive tone he later regrets, “Besides, it’s not like I want to.”

He knows he shouldn’t engage with this shit, but he’s _so fucking_ done. They continue to play horribly, so the whole team is affected, performing as if they were a machine with some vital parts broken. That’s what some of the commentators say. Others aren’t as nice. 

They lose, and back in the practice room, everyone is trying to contain their anger. Sid prefers screams and insults to this tense silence they have going on, but no one says anything. 

\+ 

He finds Victor in the parking lot, about to leave. The only reason he hasn’t is that he’s looking at his phone, his index moving slowly over the screen. The idiot texts like Sid’s mom. 

Sid yanks the door open and gets inside the car before Victor can even register he isn’t alone anymore. This isn’t a good start for a conciliatory conversation, but the bloke keeps running from him, so Sid doesn’t care about etiquette or manners anymore, he wants efficiency. 

“I know I was wrong. I should have been upfront about my intentions, but I mean, you were wrong too,” Sid says, rapidly, not giving himself enough time to think this is a bad idea. “Like your assumptions were _way_ offhand, you know?”

For about five seconds, Victor looks as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have until he frowns. Of course, he's going to be antagonistic about this. Can't he see how hard Sid is trying?

“You think you’re _so_ subtle,” Victor mocks him. “You’re not. Everyone knows.”

“Still, you were wrong to assume.” Sid isn’t going to engage in a discussion about how no one knows anything because he has his emotions under control, unlike Victor. He’s going to leave that topic for another occasion, hoping this one will accomplish some improvement and they'll be able to have an adult conversation in the future. 

“It was the first time you talked to me outside the field. You asked me out and then invited me to go somewhere else,” Victor explains, slowly, like Sid is stupid. “What the fuck did you expect me to think?”

“It’s the first time I talk to you outside the field and you think I want to sleep with you.” Sid deadpans. 

“Don’t act as if you would want anything else,” Victor says, his voice thick with frustration. “And don’t act as if attempting to get the guy you want to fuck to fuck someone else is very common and normal.”

“It sounds weird when you say it like that!” 

“It _fucking_ is!”

“I just want the best for the team,” Victor sighs, regretting everything, including ever being born. “I realize this wasn’t the way to achieve that. This is why I’m trying to talk with you, but you insist on being selfish. You’re _still_ a terrible person.”

“Of course! _You_ fucked up, but I’m the one to blame because of what I did years ago!” Victor says. “That’s it, right? All that talk about prioritizing the team is complete bullshit and the reason you won’t act on what you want is because of my past.” 

“I’m not saying anything that isn’t true,” Sid says, focusing on the first part because he doesn’t want to think about what the second half of the statement implies. 

“I know! Still, right now we’re addressing a completely different issue,” Victor says, looking at the steering wheel. “I’m ashamed. I regret what I did, but I’m not that person anymore and I’m tired of you refusing to see it. I was just trying to fit in. Not everyone could be like you, all nice and perfect.” 

“Are you saying you’re the victim in all this?”

“Of course not, but what I did doesn’t define who I’ve been trying to become! You keep looking at me like I’m a fucking monster and I’m sick of it! In any case, I don’t have to apologize to you.”

“You made my life miserable,” Sid says incredulously. 

“What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! Are you trying to imply _you_ were the victim back then?” Sid hates the patronizing tone in his voice. “I don’t have to do this. Get the fuck out of my car.” 

It’s the longest they’re ever talked since they made it professional. There goes progress. 

+

“I know I already filled my heart-to-heart quota when you told me you were gay but I think we should talk,” Johnson says. Sid doesn’t want to see anyone, wishes he could hide under his blankets and magically disappear, so _of course,_ Johnson shows up at his door with pizza and ice cream. He annoys Sid like it’s written in his job description. 

“We need to talk about the Australian rugby player in the room,” Johnson says, all business. 

“I am the Australian rugby player in the room,” Sid says. 

“The metaphorical yet real Australian rugby player in the room. What happened?” He frowns while Sid tells him about the Victor he knew in high school and clarifies, “Last night. What happened last night? You two went from weird to hostile real quick.”

"Remember the last time we went drinking? You gave me an idea. You said something about watching two guys together—"

"Wait, you asked him to have a threesome?" Johnson interrupts him, ecstatic. 

"No! God, no!" Sid says. He wants to die. “Every time I say something about it, my thought process sounds more stupid."

Johnson stays quiet for a while, Sid can almost see his neurons connecting. 

“You know, you don’t seem to enjoy playing anymore. For a while, actually,” Johnson says. “And I’m thinking that, _just maybe_ , the reason you can’t let go of the shit Victor did it’s because it’s easier to blame your frustrations on him than to recognize what’s actually going on.” 

Some part of what Johnson says rings true to him. He doesn’t completely enjoy being in charge, not all the time. Playing has also become more of a chore, and he longs to feel the enjoyment he experienced when he first played because he hasn’t felt anything like it in a very long time. One thing is knowing, though, and another is hearing someone else saying it, so Sid opens his mouth to argue. 

“I’m not saying what he did wasn’t bad. I was bullied as a kid and it was awful.” Johnson cuts him off. 

“ _You_ were bullied?” Sid can’t believe that. Johnson is one of the biggest guys on the team. He's really massive.

“Yeah! Kids kept calling me a freak and telling me to join the circus. I had a really bad time, my mom had to— No, don’t change the subject!” Johnson says. “Let me finish! It feels like you’re holding Victor accountable for something else than him being an asshole during high school, as if you’re focusing on him so you don’t have to think about yourself.”

Sid doesn't like this cheap therapy session at all.


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the name of the google drive to "in(sid)ious"  
> I don't know if what I wrote in this chapter is possible. I'm asking even more suspension of disbelief from you today.  
> Thanks for reading!

Sid needs to start listening to others, he knows, but Johnson isn’t part of the group of people he should be taking advice from. Especially since his input mainly consists of analyzing him and pointing out his flaws, instead of actually telling him what to do. That would be helpful, that’s what he wants; someone to take all his hard decisions for him so he doesn’t have to blame himself when they take a bad turn. 

It’s not a very grown-up thing to think, but the truth is that Sid has been feeling like a child, misplaced in an adult world he isn’t prepared to be part of. 

Some days it seems like he’s living a life he didn’t fully choose and that he can’t quite control anymore, which is stupid because he’s lucky and he knows it. Still, Sid can’t help but wonder why sometimes he doesn't feel like that at all. 

Maybe Victor does remind him about the period of his life when his love for rugby started to wither a little, and maybe he’s been dealing with some issues regarding where he's in life right now, but that’s not Johnson’s business. It makes him sick, being told he’s not as good at hiding his emotions as he would like to think he is. 

Johnson isn’t even that good at reading people, always wondering why some guys in the team don’t like him when he’s so annoying that even Sid gets headaches merely thinking about spending the day with him. He cares about Sid and started following him everywhere since the first time they saw each other when Johnson got transferred and he welcomed him. 

More than accepting his friendship, Sid resigned himself to a life of movie nights and BFF bracelets. His resolve of keeping a certain distance from the rest to maintain unbiased guidance for the members of the team never stood a chance with Johnson. Along with his animosity towards Victor growing by the day, he feels less and less like an adequate captain. 

Sid doesn’t need to be cared for, in any form of the word, he wants respect and to keep his job professional and his relationships clean. Somehow, he has managed to do anything but that. 

He doesn’t want to think about Victor. He wishes a day could pass without his mind wandering to him, their past, and what’s currently going on between them. What Johnson and Victor himself don’t seem to realize is that Sid tells the truth when he says he wants the best for the team. And that wouldn't align with any kind of relationship with Victor. 

They’re definitely not good for each other, never had been. Even when they were younger, there was this slight competitiveness in their interactions, a rivalry of sorts. Victor always tried to get his attention by challenging him while Sid attempted to exclude himself from his and their old team’s shit. 

It’s funny how almost nothing has changed. Sid doesn’t see them magically being something else than what they’ve always been to each other, and he doesn’t want it to change either, just wants it gone. 

+

He learns it from his mother. She calls him to nag him for not telling her before, for always waiting until the last minute to talk to her; she says his room is a mess and his father is fixing his old bed as they speak, stringing too many words together for Sid to understand.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sid says, feeling lost. 

“What do you mean, Sidney? Susan told me that you and that other boy from your team are volunteering with the kids next week,” His mother is using her certified tone that tells him he would get into trouble if he were to contradict her.

“I don’t know anything about that, mom,” He says, with caution. 

By the time his sister sends him a post from his high school’s Facebook page, Sid is equally horrified and confused. There’s a picture from his graduation, the rest of his classmates’ faces grotesquely blurred out so only his and Victor’s are visible. The cryptical epigraph accompanying it states ‘our stars are coming back.’ There are also a few digitally added stars to emphasize the point. It’s nightmarish. 

“This is hideous,” Sid whispers, taken aback. He doesn’t know what to make of this new information. 

“I’m pretty sure mom sent them that picture, but she refuses to confess her crime,” Muriel laughs. “It feels like they’re going to kidnap you and chain you to the benches so you coach the team. Be careful.”

He gets called by management in the afternoon and when he arrives, Victor is already there. Turns out the higher-ups have the solution skills of a preschool teacher and, to them, the best way to fix his issues with Victor is to ‘send them to the place where everything started.’ Verbatim, that’s what they tell them. Sid will never forget it because it sounds like the line of a fucking tv commercial. 

They were apparently too busy making arrangements to let them know firsthand, but this is, and he quotes, ‘an amazing opportunity to go back to their roots and strengthen their bond that understandably has weakened over the years.’ 

“Do we have a say in this?” Victor asks, having an ounce of sense in him for once. 

“You two aren’t giving everything on the pitch right now. That’s why you need to see where you’ve come from, to appreciate where you are now. Especially you, Victor. When was the last time you went home?” 

There’s an underlying warning in those words. They aren’t playing exceptionally so no other team would be willing to pay them what they’re earning in their current team and they wouldn’t be who they are now without the Silvers. They’re being told to comply or lose everything they’ve accomplished over their professional careers. 

Victor looks particularly affected by this whole development. Sid is, too, but at least he will see his family. Maybe that’s what brings Victor down. Sid wonders if he has gone back since they graduated. 

“Did you know about this?” Victor says once they’re out of the office. Sid breaks his resolve to disengage because he sounds panicky, and tells him everything he knows, shows him the damn picture. “This is a terrible idea. Why don’t you seem to think this is a terrible idea?”

It has been established that they can’t do anything to change it, plus it’s not like they have much going on. Just the usual, practice and training. Their performance had been lacking for a while so they didn’t classify in the tournament, that’s probably why management decided to send them away.

“I get to see my family,” Sid shrugs. “That’s all I care about right now.”


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!

Flying makes Sid feel extremely anxious so he always tries to be extra cautious. Even though he has to do it often, because of his job, he can’t get over it. He’s sure a thousand things could happen and make him lose the flight, so he tries to dodge them all by arriving ridiculously early. In his illogical mind, that’s the antidote to whatever could go wrong. 

He’s already checked his suitcase and his wallet four times, gone through the information on his ticket enough to memorize it, all in an attempt to convince himself he isn’t forgetting anything when Victor arrives. He looks almost as nervous as Sid feels. 

“I haven’t gone back since we graduated,” Victor says and Sid nods. Something in his reaction when management broke the news to them made Sid think that could be the case, but hearing it still surprises him. He longs for his home at all times, constantly thinking about what his family is doing, and feeling sorry for himself because he’s not there to share it with them. 

Sid knows he’s exaggerating, especially because once he’s there he can’t stop clashing with Muriel and rolling his eyes at his parents’ antics. Not only that, but he’s also being selfish, especially with Johnson in his team, who sees his parents even less and has to make the best out of video calls. Still, with his busy schedule, he isn’t able to go back as nearly as he would want to and no escapade is enough to calm his homesickness. 

Management is lucky that, even though not everyone loves him, Johnson doesn’t have issues with anyone because they wouldn’t be able to pull this kind of move. Also, Sid feels ashamed that even someone like Johnson can keep his shit outside the field while he can’t. Anyways, Sid is determined to make the most of this unexpected journey and enjoy it as much as he can. 

Yes, there’s the little detail of Victor and being contractually obliged to spend time with him in an environment where they’ll need to keep their behavior in check. Then, there’s the fact about having to deal with kids. He’s not good with younger people, doesn’t know how to connect or engage with them. Not even his little nephew seems to like him very much. 

Sid can’t fully relax knowing this whole development puts him in a tricky situation, leaving him uncertain and afraid of fucking everything up again, this time with the added pressure of his mom inevitably finding out about it. He would never hear the end of it if he did anything less than perfect. Sid really needs to step up. 

So, he’ll celebrate going home while trying to forget how terrified the motives behind the trip make him feel. Sid has resigned himself to the mess that is his emotions, constantly going from one extreme to the other, leaving him frustrated and exhausted. 

“Do you have someone there?” Sid would prefer to ignore him as much as possible, but the truth is that if they want this to work, they both need to cooperate. 

“Not anymore,” Victor answers, looking through the window, refusing to meet his eyes. He doesn’t elaborate and Sid would never ask him to. 

He feels bad about what he said before when they just learned the news. For him, it isn’t rare to say things without thinking, but his words feel particularly cruel in light of this newfound information. 

Victor might not be his favorite person in the world, but no one should be mocked for not having anybody. Because that’s probably how his comment felt to him, mocking and hurtful. He feels horrible, flaunting about seeing his family when Victor has no one to return to. 

“I’m sorry,” Sid says and hopes Victor realizes he means it. They might not be the best communicators, but he doesn’t want to be an asshole. Not about this, at least. 

“There’s my mom, though. In Spain,” He answers with a shrug. “She has two kids. We talk sometimes.”

“That's good.” Sid raises his eyebrows wondering what ‘sometimes’ entails in this kind of familiar situation. 

“They’re ten. They found some old pics and got curious about me,” Victor explains. “I think that’s the only reason she contacted me again.” 

“I don’t think—”

“You don’t know the twins, they can be pretty intense,” Victor abruptly interrupts him. Sid doesn’t know if he doesn’t like to talk about it or if he doesn’t want to be pitied; if maybe he doesn’t want Sid to be the one feeling sorry for him. Still, he doesn’t insist. 

+

Sid’s family is waiting for them with pick-up signs that read ‘Hayes and Lane’ written in glitter. 

Sid takes everything back, he wants to get on a plane again and never come back. How is it that he spends so much time of his daily life missing them, only to finally see them and getting humiliated like this? He’s a grown _man_. They don’t deserve his longing. 

His idea of laying low during his stay has proven to be impossible and he _just_ arrived. He’s absolutely mortified.

“I swear she made me do it,” Muriel says, looking too smug for her own good. 

“Yeah, and I’m sure it was _extremely_ difficult for you to comply,” Sid says, rolling his eyes. 

Since they’ve decided to be embarrassing in public, he allows them to go all the way and trap him into a four-way hug. Sid is disentangling from Muriel’s arms —because she acts mean but misses him as much as he does — when he notices Victor is standing at a safe distance as if they were contagious. 

“What are you doing over there? Come here and let me see you,” His mom notices him before Sid can stop her. “I couldn’t recognize you!”

Sid can’t help but snort because this overfamiliarity is so typical of her. He exchanges a knowing look with his father, who has been a witness to this kind of display way too many times.

“Nice to see you all,” Victor says.

“Where are you staying, sweety?”

“At the Meridian,” He answers. 

“Oh, fancy! Come with us, we’ll drop you off!” She says and at Victor’s noticeable hesitancy, adds, “It’s okay, honey! It’s in our way!” 

The amount of pet names his mother has uttered during the conversation has Sid shuddering. This need of hers to be liked at all costs has gone too far. He feels a bit sorry for Victor because he’s probably not very used to this.

He also feels bad for himself, of course. It’s the longest ride of his life. Sid, who has always tried to avoid getting too close to Victor, is cramped beside him in the backseat of a car that was definitely not designed with rugby players as two of its three passengers in its creator's mind. He asked his mom if he could ride shotgun instead of her and she told him to not be ridiculous. 

“Our house is your house, sweetheart,” His mom says as Victor is getting out of the vehicle. He mutters a quiet thank you before understandably scurrying away. 

“What the fuck was that?” Sid says and realizes he hasn’t said a word since he got in the car.

“Mom, that was so fake!” Muriel bursts laughing. “She can’t even remember his name.”

“Poor boy, I feel _so_ bad for him,” Their mom says. “Sidney, you should be more grateful that you have a family waiting for you at home.”


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out the Australian education system is even harder to understand than rugby for me. Sorry for all the mistakes and inaccuracies!  
> Also, classes started last week and I've decided to take advantage of every little shred of inspiration before my life gets fucked by papers and midterms.  
> Thank you so much for reading!!!

After a terrible night, consisting of more tossing and turning than actual sleep, Sid wakes up filled with dread. The pillow made his neck hurt and the bed isn’t as comfortable as it used to feel, his whole body is stiff and his mind is fuzzy; not even the harsher training regimes nor the most difficult matches leave him feeling like that.

His childhood room isn’t the same as it used to be either, and definitely not as spacious since it’s used as a storage room for his family belongings. There’s his mom’s old desk she refuses to dispose of and Muriel’s surfboard. A bunch of his dad’s stuff that absolutely belongs in the trash. His parents aren’t hoarders but they’re dangerously close. 

It's weird, this clash of other’s properties and the ones that used to belong to him in a different period of his life. He used to be an overachiever and kind of a show-off, so there’s a bunch of medals hanging in his bed frame and trophies occupying most of the surfaces that he didn’t take with him when he moved out. At the moment, he reasoned that he would surely go on to win others, more important ones.

Despite the clutter, it’s as if he’s in a sanctuary dedicated to his young ambitions. It’s strange how ambivalent he feels about rugby now when it used to be something that filled him with so much pride, that used to be his biggest dream when he was younger. Now, at twenty-four, he realizes no amount of accomplishments and recognition is enough to stop making him feel lost, unsure about his current career. 

Sid finally gets up, both to stop dwelling on self-pity and in fear that his mom will barge in and try to drag him out of his bed like she did when he was a teenager. He brushes his teeth, amazed by how awful he looks, and decides to take a quick shower in hopes of dissipating his bad mood. It doesn’t work. 

He finds a cup of coffee waiting for him on the kitchen counter, strong as he likes it. His mom is the only person who can make it taste like that.

“I don’t want to do this,” Sid says to no one in particular.

“Suck it up, Siddy boy!” Muriel yells from the living room, surrounded by books because she’s studying for a final. She’s always been a morning person, completely functional no matter how early she had to wake up. Sid hates her.

“You’re going to be okay,” His dad assures him, which is rich coming from him because after breakfast he’ll drive to his office where he won’t be dealing with a bunch of kids and a teammate he doesn’t particularly want to see. “It’s going to be a good experience for you, you’ll see.”

Unsurprisingly, his dad is wrong. That’s because he’s a lawyer and he writes documents, meets with clients, and does whatever lawyers do, activities that don’t include having to hear kids’ annoying voices in the fucking morning. 

Sid might not be _that_ old but encountering young people makes him feel ancient. It’s like every time they open their mouth, they’re speaking in a language he can’t quite understand as if he suddenly landed on a different planet with fifteen kids who keep talking about bands and TV shows he doesn't know. 

While he stands awkwardly on the side, Victor is too busy killing it. The boys keep talking to him and attempt to display their skills to impress him. He makes them laugh with jokes about things Sid has never heard before. What the fuck is a Tik Tok Challenge? 

“I’m sorry about my mom,” Sid says because he still feels embarrassed. “She’s desperate to make a good impression.”

“It’s okay,” Victor says and then adds, “Mary was kind of my hero when I was a child.”

Sid’s incredulous face makes him continue.

“At first grade, I cried all night when I found out she wasn’t going to be our teacher; because the older kids kept saying she gave her students candy," He explains. For a moment, it feels like he’s about to say something else but he gets interrupted by a kid who, unprompted, asks him to watch his form. How they don’t find a guy like Victor intimidating is beyond Sid. 

“I’ll leave you to it,” Sid says and goes to check on the older boys. To be honest, the younger ones are loud and tiring but having to interact with teenagers is what worries him the most. Kids aren’t the same as twelve as they are at sixteen; when they feel invincible, when they’re cruel or think they own the world, or worse, both at the same time. When they remind him of himself, of Victor and his mates when they were in that stage of their lives. 

He supposes it isn’t that bad, since Victor is there to cover for him, intercepting when some of the boys get too rough and jumping into action whenever he freezes. If Sid is tired, he must be completely drained, as he spent the whole training not only watching over them but paying attention to him as well. 

Once the team leaves, Sid and Victor stay behind gathering the balls and picking up the training gear. He can’t wait to go home and sleep, put some ease in his tense muscles. 

“I’m sorry about today,” Sid apologizes. “I’ll do better tomorrow.”

Sid is extremely grateful that Peter isn’t around anymore, that would have made things even harder. He would have been utterly unimpressed with Sid’s behavior and would make him know most rudely. The new coach, Mr. Phillips, pats him in the back encouragingly before he leaves. 

Victor dismisses his apology with a smile before going to grab the water bottles scattered all around the field. It has been a while since Sid last saw it. He doesn’t smile often, not to others, and not to him either, lately. It’s a good one, so ample and genuine that takes him aback every time. 

Sid isn’t very genuine, he always tries to hide what he feels behind a stoic posture, concealing his crisis, and erasing his doubts. Perhaps that’s why Victor’s small, scattered displays of authenticity are so affecting. To know he’s showing Sid something he doesn’t share with anyone else and to know he isn’t willing, isn’t capable of doing the same. 

He never thought he would be back in the pitch where he made his first points, occupying this role alongside Victor. Everything is completely different yet eerily familiar at the same time. Time has passed and they’re adults, but for a moment, it feels like they've never left. 

+

“How was it?” His mother asks and something in his expression has her laughing. “I spent years teaching children and coming home to the three of you every day. I survived, and so will you.” 

She hugs him and, for once, he accepts the warmth of her arms with no complaints, engulfing her tiny body with his. He needs all the comfort he can get because there’s something different with this visit, something he can’t quite place, that makes him feel overwhelmed and utterly sad.

“I can’t believe you’re choosing to deal with teenagers as a career,” Sid says to Muriel, who is still in the same position where he left her, except with an even bigger book in her hands. Something in her eyes tells him that wasn’t the best thing to say. He needs to remember to text Johnson and tell him to call her, so he can quiz her or do whatever he does that always makes her feel better when she’s stressed.

“Says the one getting beaten by a bunch of dudes while chasing a ball as a job,” She answers curtly. He guesses her assessment is fair enough.


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm absolutely terrible at writing dialogue, sorry for subjecting you (and myself) to this.  
> Also, I made a side blog instead of doing my readings. If you have any question, want to suggest something, or complain about my inconsistent characters/writing/updating, you can find me on: dostrescuatro@tumblr.com  
> Thanks for reading!!!

By his third day as a volunteer, Sid begins to feel less affronted by the kids’ presence. That's not technically the truth, the volunteering part of it, but that's the role he's bound to play so be it. He'll own it. He always manages to pull through any difficulty and does it by being a responsible and compromised person, no matter how much the situations he's stuck in suck. 

He probably should be questioning himself about how _they_ feel about his and Victor's sudden appearances in their school, in their field, because he’s sure as hell no one asked them. At first, a few of them were a bit shy while some tried way too hard, but by now everyone has gotten to a nice pace. It all boils down to having two professional players guiding them, giving them a little taste of what success is supposed to mean. 

It’s a curious feeling, having fifteen pairs of eyes in him, attentive to every little move he does, taking in all the words he says. He’s used to the spotlight, of course, but it usually comes from the press, from the critical eye of his coach who’s trying to correct him or his opponents who attempt to beat him. The way the kids observe him is completely different as if in him they will find the key to be better. 

He would hate to see that glint in their eyes disappear by disappointing them, he wants to do his best to honor that naive trust; so he’s intent on getting the hang of it, correcting their postures, and showing them how to maximize their use of energy. It’s not enough, he knows, Sid won’t fool himself into thinking he’s going to make miracles during his short stay because most of them will not make it, but he’s decided to be as helpful as he can while he’s around. 

It’s not easy, either. At moments he finds himself stuck in his place, unable to reach out to the kids. He doesn’t really know what he’s so scared of. The harder he looks for an answer, the most unreasonable his apprehension becomes. 

He’s an adult, he’s in charge and none of the kids have tried to challenge him; instead, they welcomed him with open arms, looked up to him. Sid wonders if, perhaps, he’s afraid that being in this position of power will inevitably end with him replicating Peter’s past behavior; if occupying the same place as him will prove he’s not any different. 

“You’re just as serious as you seem on TV,” A boy works the courage to tell him while he’s teaching him how to properly stretch. “We were a bit afraid of you.”

Sid is surprised by the confession because he thought his fear was so noticeable that everyone could see. It’s a funny thought, intimidating them while simultaneously feeling intimidated by them. The irony doesn’t escape him, being afraid of a bunch of kids when he works with blokes twice their age and size.

“What was it like when you were still here?” One of the older kids asks. “Was the food as bad as it is now?”

Sid looks over at Victor and sees the way his face tightens over the question, turning stony in a matter of seconds. He looks down and refuses to return his gaze. 

"You’re not as good as we used to be, if that’s what you’re asking," Victor jokes, after a moment, skillfully changing the topic because all fifteen of them begin to complain. 

“I did a good thing by giving you some time to adjust,” Phillips approaches him while he’s observing Victor assist the fly-half, explaining to him what to expect from the eight-man. “When you just arrived you got panicky whenever a kid addressed you.” 

“Yeah, I’m not good with teenagers,” Sid says and at the older men’s inscrutable look, he admits, “Got some bad experiences in this field. That’s all.” 

“Son, excuse me, I don't know much about you except what the stats show, but you’re one of the few players from this school who went into a professional team.” He answers calmly. Despite his words, his tone isn’t reproachful at all. 

“I know. It’s just that rugby can be—” 

“Awful? Terrible?” Phillips tries. “I had a career-ending injury while playing in my high school team. All the sponsors who used to praise me disappeared as my arm healed but was never the same.” 

Due to his monotonous voice, it feels like he’s talking about the weather instead of a terrible accident that greatly impacted his life. 

“I’m sorry,” Sid says. He feels extremely guilty, cursing himself for always managing to be offensive without meaning it. 

“You're a lucky guy and you probably deserve everything you’ve achieved. Don't forget it.” Phillips tells him. “Still, get used to kids. Not to jinx it, but you never know what could happen. Things are gratifying on this side of the pitch too, I swear.” 

+

Once practice is over, he decides not to call his mom to pick him up and instead goes home by foot, in an attempt to clear his head a little. Victor seems to have the same plan, so they end up awkwardly walking in the same direction. 

It might be premature to say, but it feels as if things are getting somewhere between them. They have not become friends overnight, obviously, but they’ve seemed to establish an easier dynamic, not as volatile as the days passed. Sid hopes they can go back with that energy, that this whole retreat doesn't go to waste. 

“Why aren’t you like this with the team?” Sid can’t help but ask. It’s such a stark contrast to compare his distant attitude with the way he interacts with the boys. It feels like he's seeing the old Victor again, except a nicer, more considerate version of him. He definitely wouldn't have been as thoughtful back then.

“How?” Victor looks at him a little startled. 

“Like, you talk with them.” 

“I don’t know. It’s not the same, I guess. They don’t know anything about me, they only see me as some famous bloke,” Victor says, struggling to explain himself. Sid knows how that feels. Without intending to, they've adopted the same pace, so they walk side by side. 

“They don’t know how you used to be,” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he regrets it. The feeling of deja-vu immediately strikes him, feeling like they’ve been in this exact situation before. 

“I didn’t say that. Why do you always have to bring it up?” Victor rolls his eyes, sounding annoyed.

“Just because you refuse to acknowledge it doesn't mean it isn't real.” The smart thing would be to backtrack, to change the topic, but Sid _clearly_ never knows when to shut the fuck up.

“You, on the other hand, are exactly the same with the team.”

“What do you mean?” Sid asks. 

“Like you’re afraid to talk to them,” Victor answers viciously. “And like you’re too good for them. All at the same time. You’re fucking contradicting.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Mate, you’re completely detached from the team,” He says as if Sid’s astonishment is the most amusing thing in the world. 

“Are you trying to say I don’t care about them?” Sid can’t believe he’s hearing this, especially coming from someone like Victor.

“Not exactly,” He mocks him.

“Whatever, I don’t care. I’m trying to be civil, you know?” Sid doesn’t know what to do anymore. Any kind of progress seems impossible, always one step forward and five steps back with Victor. 

“Fuck off, Sidney,” He says as he picks up the pace and leaves him behind.

Never a dull moment with Victor Hayes, Sid thinks as he sees him go. Why did he think, even for a moment, that this would actually work? At this rate, they will be lucky if they don’t end up in a worse situation than when they started off.


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I worry my characters are too stupid and immature for their age, but then I remember I'm almost in the same stage of my life as them and I'm not much different so *cuts to a chorus saying 'that sounds like a you problem'*  
> I'm going to stretch the events of this update over two chapters because I have so many ideas and I don't know how to incorporate them in a single chapter in a cohesive way. I'm sorry this one is cut off awkwardly but, to be honest, all of them are so you must be used to it by now.  
> Thanks for reading!!!

Sometimes, Sid feels like he’s stuck in one of those reality shows where people get pranked. As if there’s someone behind cameras, orchestrating different and innovative ways of ruining his life; someone finding some kind of delight in seeing him suffer. It’s not, obviously, so no one magically pops up and tells him whatever he’s going through is a joke. 

He’s accepted he’s the unluckiest bloke in the fucking world by now and whenever he ends up in a situation he doesn’t particularly enjoy, he takes a deep breath and sucks it up. That’s his life lately, a continuous exercise of resignation and acceptance of circumstances that make him wish he could just run away and disappear. 

He’s happy when his mom tells him Erica and her family are coming for dinner on Friday night. The idea of talking to her in person instantly relieves him and makes dealing with Victor during the meantime a lot easier, as they’re going through a particular ‘ignoring each other' while ‘trying to keep it cool in front of the kids’ development in their relationship. When she asks him to invite Victor as well, not so much. 

By the look in her eyes, he knows any kind of rebuttal will be ineffective. Talk about sleeping with the enemy and all that shit. She should have waited until after he finished his coffee, at least.

“What’s this obsession of yours with him all of a sudden?” Sid complains. He’s engaging in a losing battle, but he won’t go down without putting up a fight. 

“I think it’s nice you’re still in touch with someone from the old days,” His mom says, smiling. “Don’t you think having him around helps you remember when you were just a boy?”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want him around, mom,” Sid groans, hating the way she completely misses the point. She’s one of those people who organizes annual gatherings with her old classmates and thoroughly enjoys them, of course, she has deluded herself into thinking their experience was similar to hers. 

He doesn’t know how much his mom knows about Victor or if her knowledge of him extends beyond what she’d heard from the teachers while she worked at their primary school. Victor had been a problem child, so he was always the talk of the staff, who kept warning each other about that one kid who escaped the classroom at any given opportunity and told rowdy jokes instead of doing his school work. At high school, things were different because with the backing of the coach most of his infringements went unnoticed. He also operated within a group, so in the rare cases they were caught and reprimanded, it was more the ‘rugby team’ than ‘that impossible Hayes kid.’

If Sid were to tell her how he used to be, maybe she would understand where he’s coming from when he complains about Victor, but he’s no snitch. Also, his mom is all about thinking of the bullies’ circumstances and trying to understand what drives them to do what they do, so she would probably still find some positive in Victor despite the things he did in the past. 

“Well, you don’t talk much about him,” His mother says earnestly. “But you don’t also talk much about anything. And I get it, you need a little push so I’m trying to help you.”

“Mom, I’m an adult. I don’t need you meddling in my relationships.” Sid swears she’s going to kill him prematurely, only if being the captain of a team going through a losing streak doesn’t first. 

“Sidney, you’re so lonely,” His mom uses that tone that greatly affects him and makes him feel guilty for worrying her. “And I think the fact you have come back with him means something. It could be a good thing if you let it be.”

“I have Wilson.” He says weakly. Her face shows him she isn’t very impressed by that. 

+

He approaches Victor while the boys are practicing their handling. All through the practice, he ponders all the possible moments to go to him, imagining all the things he could say or do wrong that would get Victor even madder and cause him to attack him in front of fifteen impressionable teens. 

From their interactions, Sid has learned any outcome is possible and that they never end up the way he expects. Still, he concludes that despite all his questionable actions of the past, Victor would never do something like that. 

He decides to keep it simple, with the least room to misinterpret he can manage, and try to say it as if it doesn’t have the importance it truly holds. The truth is the thought of having Victor over at his house petrifies him. 

“My mom wants you to come for dinner tonight,” Sid says, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably. “You don’t owe me anything, so do whatever you please, but she would be very happy to have you there.”

Victor doesn’t say anything, just looks at him amused. They’ve come and gone so many times these past days, from scarce agreement to cold disregard over and over again that he wouldn’t blame Victor if he feels confused because he does as well. 

He could accuse Sid of giving him mixed signals and he wouldn’t be exactly wrong. Sid, who has always prided on being pretty straightforward, is beginning to realize he’s nothing like that. Is twenty-four too late to realize he doesn’t really know himself or what he wants? 

+

Of course, Victor arrives at nine o’clock in all his gigantic glory. He jokes with his dad and compliments her mom. He picks up Sammy and, _of course_ , he absolutely loves the faces Victor makes, laughing like he’s the star of one of those videos that come up when you search ‘funny baby videos’ on Youtube. 

Erica keeps directing meaningful looks at Sid, getting more and more impressed by every little thing that Victor says and does. He suddenly doesn’t want her there at all because he knows their impending conversation, he won’t be able to avoid her forever, will go in a direction he doesn’t want it to. 

Traitors, all of them. The only one who manages to not disappoint him is Muriel, she isn’t impressed at all by Victor because she’s probably talked about him with Wilson before and sees through this likable image he’s displaying. Sid swears he could hug her. 

He doesn’t understand this aleatory socialness of his, being all mute around their team while charming his family in a matter of minutes. Gone is the reservedness he treated them with when he first saw them as he seems genuinely at ease now. Sid wonders if he’s doing it to spite him, in a ‘watch me invade every little piece of your life’ and ‘see how your family likes me better than you’ way. 


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a completely different idea for this chapter, but it went in another direction. Blame Sid, while I want reconciliation, he remains unwavering.  
> Thanks for reading!!!

A thing Sid realizes by being around his family in Victor’s presence is that he doesn’t dare to open his mouth, as if it has been surgically closed to avoid him making some kind of statement that could get him in trouble. It's like as soon as his mom appears in the picture, the lessons about manners she used to teach him as a kid surface as well; as if suddenly that whole bullshit about not saying anything if you couldn’t say something nice works like a charm, putting him in a state of watchful silence while he listens to Victor speak bullshit to no end. 

Not only he needs to watch his words, but also his expressions. His mother notices him rolling his eyes at a stupid joke Victor does and scolds him silently, her eyes warning him there will be consequences. Sid doesn’t think she’s that much of a fan of his as she seems to be of Victor, and what has he done to deserve such reverence? Being a fucking bully during his teenage years and headbutting some guy of the opposite team every other match. 

It feels like being in high school again, seeing the rest of his teammates being congratulated and gloating about how invincible they were because everyone chose to ignore the bullshit they did while he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Sid has always been on the wrong side of things, in the hardest position. If he had known all it took was to be a fucking hypocrite, he would have tried earlier. 

“I remember your grandma. She was a sweetheart,” His mom says. Sid believes that because, while he can barely retain the names of the guys he leads, she seems to know and remember everyone.

“Was she?” Victor says jokingly. “I wasn’t particularly easy to deal with, though, so I don’t blame her.”

“Oh, I know that! You were the talk of the teacher’s room! I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Mrs. Peretti complained about you a lot!”

“I bet she did! Well, the feelings were certainly reciprocated,” He answers with humor. Victor is having a field day, fooling his family one smile at a time. 

“I always thought she was overreacting! I would have liked to get to know you before, Victor, as you’re so close to Sid!” She says, and Sid is seriously considering stabbing a fork on his hand as a distraction to get out of this embarrassment. “What are the odds of two boys spending basically half of their lives side by side, doing what they love the most? It's such a marvelous coincidence!” 

Sid stops trying to decide in which zone it would cause less damage if he were to stab himself right in time to see a shadow darken Victor's face, the way his smile hesitates at her words. He's full of shit and he can't even properly hide it. Everyone at the table seems to realize the change, awkwardly exchanging looks as his mother keeps talking. If she notices something, she doesn't show it. 

Of course, it could probably be due to the possible subtext in what she said, how it's becoming more and more noticeable that her intentions aren't completely harmless when it comes to her interest in Victor and the nature of his relationship with Sid. If it were any other moment, Sid would have already been dead out of humiliation, but seeing Victor's guilty face was enough to make him feel fucking smug.

His mother is one of those hopeless romantics that can't fathom a plentiful life without a significant other. Erica fitted perfectly her ideal, having a baby after marrying her boyfriend of years, but Sid and Muriel had proved to be a hard case. Not only because of the not-straight thing, as she took that pretty well; first a tearful confession by Sid, years later an accidental comment by Muriel involving a mystery girl. What was unacceptable for her was that both of them refused to date.

She couldn't understand that Sid was better off alone, that he was too busy. In her twisted mind, Victor had rapidly come to embody the perfect prospect for Sid's inexistent love life. She couldn't be more wrong.

+

“Sid, he isn’t that bad,” Erica whispers as she’s drying the dishes he’s previously washed. 

“Stop, I'm not in the mood for this,” Sid groans. Everyone in his family has decidedly being sent out to ruin his life. “Seriously.”

“Well, he has charmed mom, that’s for sure,” She says, smiling. “Why do you hate him so much?”

“Don’t be nosy,” Sid chastises and sighs when he realizes she isn’t going to back down. She’s the same as their mom in that aspect, never knowing where to stop when it comes to other people’s business. “He used to be a bad bloke.”

“Used to be? As in high school?” She bursts out laughing. “C’mon, Sid!”

“What?” He asks, affronted. 

“You can’t judge someone for how they were in high school! I was a bitch too, remember?” 

“To me, not to others. And it’s different, older sisters are supposed to be mean.” 

“You’re so childish sometimes,” Erica snorts. “People aren't stereotypes, Sidney. Things aren't just black or white.”

He wonders if the reason he gets so bothered at people being completely bewitched by Victor is that he can't feel the same, that no matter how much he's able to recognize Victor is charismatic, he can't bring himself to get over his past and how he used to be. No charm is enough to erase his wrongdoings.

“Whatever,” Sid rolls his eyes for what feels like the thousandth time this night. Then, to further prove his point, adds: “He doesn’t talk to anyone in the team.” 

“That's _seriously_ what’s bothering you? You don’t do it, either.”

“What are you talking about?” Sid asks, genuinely confused.

“I’m talking about the fact you’ve built a wall between your teammates and yourself.” She says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “In all the years you’ve been with the Silvers, how many of the guys have we met? Wilson. Just because he also befriended Muriel and she invited him.” 

“So, what? You think it’s bad that I’m setting boundaries with the team I’m captaining?” 

“Of course not, but I think it’s unfair to judge someone for owning the same characteristics as you do.” She scoffs.

“I’m Baker’s kid godfather—” Sid attempts to refute, feeling affronted.

“Yes, and I’m sure you haven’t seen that kid since his Christening. You don’t even remember his name, right?” Erica cuts him off.

“But—” It's hard to defend himself while he's being relentlessly attacked.

“You still call your teammates by their last names, Sidney. Don’t even try to contradict me.” Erica sighs. People do that a lot while talking to him lately, he’s starting to think he needs to take it personally. “I know you refuse to talk to him, so I'm giving you the chance to do it with me. Let’s talk about your feelings.”

“I don’t know what you expect me to say since you seem to have me completely figured out,” Sid wishes he was literally anywhere but here. Has his family decided to play a game at being the most annoying member without telling him? 

“We’re worried, Sid.” He's not oblivious to the plural, which consolidates the fact that he needs to leave this house and never come back.

“You all talk about how fucked up I am, or what?” Sid questions. He knows he should watch his tone because his mom could appear at any moment, but he feels angry and betrayed.

Are they planning to stage some kind of intervention? For what, not having the most normal relationship with his feelings?

He excuses himself and ends the conversation, only to be met with the image of his mom showing Victor his baby pictures. By now, Sid is convinced they're actively looking to ruin his life.


End file.
